Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
