Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
