I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
