So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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