If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
