don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
me + whiskey = a bad person
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
