This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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