Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
