My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize