I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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