I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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