No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
