The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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