it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
