Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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