I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
