That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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