I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
