I cannot find my penis.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
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