I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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