So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
