My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
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