i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
do nipples grow back?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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