If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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