No stitches, just platelets and will power
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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