White coat. Heels.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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