he wants to bone in the snuggie
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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