You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
