false alarm. still invincible.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
