what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
