Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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