sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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