I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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