my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I want her autograph on my taint
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
