ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize