Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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