you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
