remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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