Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Holy shit dude........stairs
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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