Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize