im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
