I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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