phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
