Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
