Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
