At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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