Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
