just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
