at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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