you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
