Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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