no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
