You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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