good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
