Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
