I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
