Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
