Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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