I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
