He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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