Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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