I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Everclear isn't food dammit
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize