Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
