i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm like, not good at living.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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