I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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