Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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