Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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