apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize